Bar Talk
by Gig889
Summary: Kitty has to go to Brisco, along the way she runs into some of the problems a woman may have traveling in the old west.
1. Chapter 1

Trip to Brisco

I own no part of Gunsmoke

The night grew cold, Dodge stetted down for the night. The only one on the street was Matt Dillon, making his rounds. Festus rolled into town yelling at the top of his lungs. "Where is Doc?... I need Doc... It is Miss Kitty, she needs Doc.."

Matt came running: "Festus, what wrong? What Happened to Kitty?"

The wagon pulled up in front of Doc's office. Festus was still yelling for the Doc as Matt got into the wagon. Doc came running down the stairs. Festus: "She is awful sick, Doc."

Doc: "Let me in there." Climbing in the wagon he notes a strong smell of whiskey.

Doc: "How much has she had to drink?"

Kitty: "I'm not drunk Doc, I spilled it."

Doc: "Where does it hurt honey?"

Cowboys and town folk now surrounded the wagon.

Kitty: "I hurt everywhere. Get me out of the street."

Doc: "Take her up to my office."

Matt had to hold his breath as he carried her up the stairs. She stunk bad. There was a strong smell of bad whiskey, vomit, poop, dried blood, dead animal, buffalo hides, sweat, and french perfume. After depositing her onto Doc's table, he retreated outside for some fresh air.

Matt saw Festus sweeping maggots out of the wagon, then stomping on them.

Matt: "What happened to her?"

Festus: "I think she had better tell you that her own self."

Now Festus, who was never one to keep silent about anything, wandered off down the street shaking his head. "I ain't never going to take a shemale along anywhere again. Never in my born days have I seen the like."

Matt returned to Doc's office. Doc was rolling up Kitty's dress. He handed it to Matt. "Take this out and burn it." he said as he removed a large pot of hot water from the stove.

"This is a really expensive dress. Maybe it can be washed?" Matt said holding his nose. Kitty, shaking under a sheet: "Burn it. I don't ever want to see it again."

Matt: "Is she going it be alright? What is wrong?"

Doc: "I do not know yet. I am going to need some time alone with her. I do not think it is life threatening."

It was about two in the morning when Doc came out of his office. Matt came rushing over. "She is fine. I need a drink." Doc said as he rushed over to the Long Branch. Festus flowed them in.

Matt: "Will someone tell me what is going on?"

Doc: "I cannot say. She is going to be fine. I have given her something to help her sleep."

Festus: "That sure is good to hear. I can't tell you how scared I was."

Matt: "What happened?"

Doc: "You tell it. She is my patient."

Festus: "She might get awful Mad at me talking out of school."

Doc: "She thinks you are some kind of hero. I tried to tell her you got her into that mess in the first place. She would not stand for it, said you saved her."

Matt was getting down right mad. "What happened!"

Their conversation got the attention of the men in the Long Branch. Even Sam stopped pouring drinks and moved to their side of the bar.

Festus: "Well Miss Kitty asked me If she could go along with me to Brisco. She had to get a shipment of supplies for the Long Branch. She almost took my breath clean away when I saw her come down those stairs wearing that green dress with all those ruffles and lace, you know the one." Matt nods. Festus continued: "We were having a real good time singing and joking. It got hot. Kitty turned white, but her cheeks turned bright red. She had that look woman get you know when she's aaaaa."

Matt: "It is not her time for another week."

Doc: "Sometimes when it gets real hot it can bring it on."

Festus: "Well she had me stop a few times so she could go into the woods. She was not looking good holding her side and being so pale. Even through it was out of our way, I took her to the weigh station thinking a drink might help. When we got there, she gave me her flask and asked where the outhouse for women was. They only had one privy. It was about 150 feet from the station, but you could smell that thing from the porch. I watched her as she headed for it, so no one would bother her. This thing was 4 foot by 3 foot, made out of oak that was weathered. She was wearing that large dress the door was about 18 inches and the dress would not fit. She bunched it up in the back and squished it in through the door. Once she got in there, she could not get turned around cause the dress took up the whole thing. Well after some time, she got turned around. The dress was holding the door open and she finally closed the door on the dress. I headed in to get us some whiskey. Just as I was finishing my drink. I heard her screaming. I went running to the outhouse. This thing was made for men with large back it seemed that her back side was smaller than the hole. She fell in. Well, only part way. My guess is the dress held her up. Anyway, she was stuck in the hole. Well, I did not know what to do. Those men from the station were standing around laughing and Miss Kitty was getting madder by the second. I opened the door and all I could see was her petticoat and that large dress. It took me a while to find her as I was trying not to look, don't you see." Festus looked embarrassed and said, " Matthew, I did not mean anything improper. I was feeling around with my eyes closed. Next thing I know, she hit me and sent me clear out the door."

The bar erupted in laughter. Matt shifted his weight. His eyes grew narrow.

Doc smiled. "So that's how you got that black eye."

Festus: "Well no Doc, that was not it at all."

Doc tilted his hat, rubbed his mustache, winked at Matt and said: "I am going to regret this, but how did you get her out?"

Festus: "Well I was coming to that if you just let me finish. Some of the other fellers and me tried to pull her out. By then she had sunk down so far there was no way. That's when we decided to knock the

outhouse over and push her out."

Matt: "You knocked the outhouse over with Kitty in it?"

Festus: "Well yeah. It was the only thing we could do. Don't you see? We decided we had to knock it over frontward's, because if we knocked it over backwards she would still be stuck. Frontward's she would roll out."

Doc: " that makes sense. No, No what did I just say? Sam, I need a drink if I am going to make it through this."

Sam was leaning on his elbow staring at Festus. Sam: " Hey everyone, get your drinks now. I am not going to miss this story."

Festus: "Well Sam, I could tell it better if I was not so dry." Every man in the joint offered to buy Festus a drink That is everyone but Matt, who was trying to picture his Kitty sitting in an out house waiting on these men to rescue her.

Sam poured Festus a drink and everyone in the place watched as Festus downed it.

Doc: "Come on, get on with it. I have to go check on my patient soon."

Festus: "Well like I said, we decided to knock the outhouse over frontward's so she would roll out. We knocked it over and she did not roll out. The thing was over the hole in the back,so we turned it and slid it around. The out house fell apart and came crashing down on her. The seat board cracked, pinching her backside. Well Mathew, I did not have any choice. I pushed her out. But I did not look. Honest I did not see anything."

The men from the bar were now whooping and hollering at the thought of Festus' hands being on Kitty's bare behind. "When she got free, she was madder than a wet hornet and went running off toward the wagon. Then I noticed her drawers were around her ankles. She kicked them off. I was not sure what to do. I didn't want to leave them there, even though they were kind of soiled. I gathered them up and put them in the wagon."

Doc: "It was the only thing you could do." Matt agreed.

Doc: "So how you get that black eye?"

Festus: "I am coming to that."

Doc: "You mean there is more to this story?"

Festus: "Yeah, I ain't told you the half of it."

Doc: "Sam I need another drink."

After every man in the bar had another drink, Festus continued.

Festus: "I told her we should turn back, but she said the Long Branch needed the supplies. So we went on. Miss Kitty could not sit still. After a while she admitted she had a splinter in her back side. Those weatherized oak splinters could be dangerous. She could not reach it."

Matt: "Are you telling me that you?.."

Doc: "Weathered oak splinters from a privy could be very dangerous, and should be removed as soon as possible."

Festus: "Like I said, she could not sit on the buck board. Well we decide she should lay down in the back of the wagon, on my uncured buffalo hides, until we got to a town where we could get her some help."

Matt was thinking, No wonder she smelled so bad. Buffalo hides that were uncured!

"She was looking none too good. We came to this abandoned farm house. They had a outhouse. Miss Kitty said she needed to use it. I checked it and did not see anything wrong with it except some traps hanging from the roof. At least it didn't smell as bad as the one at the station, and it had a small hole.

She was in there quite a while. I figured she was having trouble doing her business. Miss Kitty came running out of that thing yelling at the top of her lungs. Seems their was a hornet nest between those traps. It fell on her, I had to soak her down with well water to get those things off her. Then she took to shivering, had belly cramping, and lost her lunch. She had bites all over her, so I rolled her in the pig pen."

Matt raised his eye brows: "You rolled her in the pig pen?"

Doc:"Why in tar nation you do that?"

Festus: "To kill the sting poison. There's nothing better for bee stings than mud. There weren't no creek around, it was the only mud I could find."

Doc: "Yeah, that would draw as the mud dries. Sam I need another drink." After a cowboy bought the next round.

Doc asked. "So how did you get that black eye?"

Festus: "I am coming to that."


	2. Chapter 2 the end

The cowboys were having a grand old time. Each one was remembering a time when Miss Russell had gotten herself into some kind of jam.

Festus continued: "Miss Kitty is a tough old gal. She was acting like she was fine, but I could tell she had a bad fever. Thinking cold water would help, we went to the river. The river was high due to the run off from spring. It felt bitterly cold. That mud was sticking to Miss Kitty like pine tar to a tree. She spent the better part of an hour in that frigid water.

I thought it best to make camp as Miss Kitty was chilled to the bone. Her dress was covered with water crystals that danced in the light of the moon. She shed the wet dress and I hung it in a bush to dry. Well, she was none too shabby standing there in the moonlight. Her eyes were brighter blue than the river, her skin pearly white, and that red hair. Well let's just say she is well put together. This brought a new round of whooping, as the cowboys imagined Miss Russell without her dress in the moonlight.

Matt, who was not having any fun at all, stopped drinking.

Doc moved between Festus and Matt and inquired: "She still had her undergarments on?"

Festus: "Well kind of. She had gone into the bushes to take care of some personal business, got stuck up in a thorn bush, and she called to me for help as every time she moved she would get stabbed by those thorns. The bush was all stuck up in her petticoat. As I pulled on the bush, the lace came loose. Then Miss Kitty ripped it off."

Doc: "Her petticoat?"

Festus: "Well no, the lace." This revelation brought a groan from the crowd.

Festus: "I made her some supper of wild berry and river rat. She said she did not want any. I gave her some wiskey from my old stash."

Matt: "That homemade rutgut?"

Festus: "Yeah, it's not so bad when you ain't got nothing else. The night went well, except for a few bats that seemed to take a liking to Miss Kitty's hair. When the sun came up I went to get her dress off the bush, saw a bunch of red ants all over that bush.

Miss Kitty was not feeling none too good . I took her to old man Dicker's place. He had a new privy build just this summer. It was all fancy with a moon cut in the door and everything. I asked him about it for her. Mr. Dickers said he had a small hole made for the misses, so he was sure Miss Kitty would not fall in. It ought to have been ok but the door did not close. Miss Kitty gets in there and a swarm of blot fly's just cover her from head to toe. We were half a mile down the road and she still could not get rid of them. Miss Kitty said the flies were not so bad, but the mosquitoes had a feast on her. She was bitten all over."

Doc: "I was reading the other day about mosquitoes being the cause of some sickness. Sam, I need just one more drink. Hopefully you did not stop at any more privies."

Festus: "Well you can't expect a lady to just squat anywhere. I was doing the best I could for her, don't you see? I found her a real good one that was used by the big shots that were building the rail road up there by Hill Junction. It had everything. I checked it out . It had a sears catalog, a moon cut out in the front, a small window to let some light in, a small hole, and a bucket of lye to put in the hole after you was done to stop the flies. Honest Mathew, It looked fine to me. I gather what happened is her dress dumped over the lye getting it all over her shoes. The catalog was the home of a few mice. That was not the big problem. It seemed a snake was in there hunting those mice. It did not take too kindly to Miss Kitty chasing those mice off and bit her in the aaaah.."

Doc: "Upper leg."

Festus: "I didn't see the snake as Miss Kitty came running out yelling at the top of her lungs."

Matt: "Snake bit?"

Festus: "I could not take the chance of it being poison, having not seen the snake. and I knocked her down. I did not feel right about lifting her dress, but figured I had to. I cut her deep so the poison would run out. Mr. Dickens said I had to suck the poison out."

This brought a new round of whooping and hollering as the cowboys thought about Festus sucking on Miss Kitty aaaah upper leg.

Matt: "Give me a drink Sam."

Doc: "It was not poison. Did she hit you - is that how you got that black eye?"

Festus: "No Doc, I am coming to that. Miss Kitty's leg started to turn blue where I cut her. I figured I did not get all the poison out, so I killed one of Mr. Dickens chickens and tied it to her."

Matt: "You mean to tell me you tied a fresh killed chicken to Kitty's Upper leg?"

Festus: "Well yeah. Mr. Dickens only charged me two bits for the chicken."

The cowboys agreed that was a good price.

The girls from the Long Branch could not keep up with the drink orders as the cowboys debated where on Miss Kitty the aaah upper part of the leg was, and the use of a fresh kiled chicken on snake bites."

After another round of drinks, Festus continued: " Miss Kitty was looking kind of feeble. I thought she could get some help in Shakers town."

Matt: "There are no women in Shaker town, just miners!"

Festus: "Yeah, I didn't think about that until we rolled in to the center of town. All those yahoos were pawing at her. Miss kitty was holding her own, kidding them and puting then off."

The cowboys gave a knowing nod. One of them stated, "Miss Russell can handle men better than any woman I know."

Festus: "You got that right, but I thought it best to get her out of there. Those yahoos would not let us go. I pulled my gun, but someone hit me from behind. As I was going down, I saw them pull Miss Kitty from the wagon."

Matt was struggling to keep his temper under control. He felt an overwhelming desire to see Kitty. No one saw Matt slip out. Entering Doc's office He asked quietly, "You asleep?"

"Yes", Kitty replied.

Matt smiled: "I was just checking on you. Doc said he gave you something to make you sleep. I know you never sleep this time of night, Are you ok?"

Kitty sounding a little tired responded, "Yeah. What's going on at the Long Branch? It sounds noisy for a Tuesday.

Matt laughed. "It is packed. They're all listening to some tall tale."

Kitty: "We are always low staffed on a weekday. Maybe I should go down. Sam may need help."

Matt: "Sam has them under control."

Just then they heard a loud round of laughter coming from the Long Branch, followed by some breaking glasses.

Kitty Smiled. "Maybe you should get back down there before they start shooting each other."

Matt took her hand softly. "I am going. You need anything before I go,are you sure you're all right?"

Kitty: "I'm fine. Get down there so you can tell me what Festus is saying."

Matt: "You know Festus, he always tells the truth embellished with a little horse hockey. You should sell a lot of beer tonight."

Kitty: "Let me guess, his uncle went on a trip like ours. Could you send one of the girls with some clothes for the morning?"

Matt: "I don't think anyone ever went on a trip like that. See you later. You can tell me the real story when your feeling better." He made it to he door, turned and looked at her with sad eyes. "Those men from Shakers town hurt you?"

Kitty: "No, I told them you would shoot them. They were not impressed. They said you're a law man and would not do anything. After some debate, they decided if they hurt me they would have to kill Festus and then you would hang them. I also offered the bigger ones a free trip upstairs of the Long Branch. The bell rang and they all had to go to work. It seems they fire anyone who misses a day. They figured I was more trouble than I was worth."

Matt smiled: "You do get yourself into a lot of trouble. Maybe I ought to get myself a farm gal."

Kitty: "I can see it now -you sitting at home every night knitting on the porch. Oh no, I got that wrong. She would be sitting at home alone while you would be at the local saloon hunting bad guys."

Matt: "I bet she would be a lot less trouble than you, but not as much fun."

There was a loud round of laughter from the Long Branch folowed buy some whooping and hollering.

Matt: "See you later Kitty."

Kitty: "Later Matt." She rested her head on her pillow. A smile grew on her face as she thought of Matt on a porch swing knitting baby socks.

Back at the Long Branch:

Doc asked: "So how you get that black eye?"

Festus: "If you have to know, the wagon went under a branch. Miss Kitty ducked and it hit me, knocking me off the wagon."

The sun was coming up. A few cowboys were passed out with their heads lying on the table. Miss Kitty came in, walked up behind Festus, stopped, put her hand on her hip, and taped her foot.

One of the cowboys said: "She is built like a brick shithouse." This brought a new round of laughter.

Festus made a hasty retreat out the door.

Sam handed Miss Russell the book on the take this Tuesday night. It was higher than the total from all last weekend.

Kitty raised her eyebrows. Then she said: "I need those supplies more than ever, anyone want to take me to Brisco?"

There was a stampede to the door.

The end


End file.
